I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
