No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
