Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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