Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
