Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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