Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
