A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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