fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
