does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
