If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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