life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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