i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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