i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
