I'm lost and stupid without you.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
