mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
