he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
