I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize