No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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