Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
