I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
