A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
