I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
