She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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