I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
