I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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