i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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