Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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