When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
