And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
