I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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