just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
