I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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