first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
