I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He better not be in your backpack
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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