I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
