I feel like I'm in dance class right now
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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