I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
