His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize