i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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