Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
