dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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