it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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