I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
