Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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