All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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