There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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