well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Found the puke drawer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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