I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
