I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
