do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
