My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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