I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
