there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
