He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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