I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
