Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
