I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
