ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
