Im at strip club and am horny
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
