Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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