2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize