when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize