Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You made out with two different species that night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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