I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
