Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
