Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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