There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
