Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
