yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
