it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
