I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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