I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize