Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
